I have asked Alberto to stop referring to my sperm as my “little buddies”. I think I’d prefer that people don’t discuss my sperm at all, but I guess it is a necessary part of this process. My sperm has been frequent dinner table conversation recently. Still, there’s something infantilizing about “little buddies”.

He asked what he should call them instead. I tried out the Swim Team, My Soldiers, SWAT, the Sailors, My Missiles, and The Force. Unfortunately none of those have stuck. Maybe we should just go with My Sperm.

In any case, the results of the semen analysis came back today and My Sperm are of sound body and fitness. They should be able to get the job done. Congratulations to me.

However, there was one odd thing on the report. Apparently, 82% of My Sperm have “irregular heads”. The doctor didn’t list this as a concern, but it’s still strange. I don’t know if they are too big (My Giants) or too small (My Roaming Gnomes) or shaped like a heart (My Lovers). As long as they’re not shaped like swastikas (My Nazis?).

I kind of want to see pictures. It would be like a yearbook (Class of 4/25/12, the next class will graduate in a few days, if the mood is right). Or maybe more like one of those moments from nature at the end of CBS Sunday Morning (Charles Osgood: “We leave you this morning at a recent ejaculation in Massachusetts, where a group of sperm are showing off their irregular heads.”).

I don’t think that’s one of the services offered at our clinic, though. Maybe someday I’ll have access to a microscope and some privacy. Until then I’ll be wondering what’s wrong with My Missiles’ warheads.