Today we signed the Carrier Agreement, which governs our relationship with the surrogate. I can’t say too much about our carrier because of confidentiality clauses in the agreement, but I will disclose the one thing that caused us the most concern in this relationship. She lives in Tennessee.

We originally hoped that the carrier would live somewhere in New England. We hoped that we would be able to visit her regularly and attend all of the doctor’s visits with her. We thought maybe we would be too involved, and we would start to annoy her.

But with the surrogacy agency we are working with, you don’t peruse a list of potential surrogates like you do with potential egg donors. Instead, the agency matches you with a carrier they believe shares your expectations for the pregnancy. Both the intended parents and the carrier fill out a questionnaire. In order to be matched, both parties must agree on communications preferences - during the pregnancy and after the birth - and on more difficult questions such as abortion. We were asked if we would choose to abort a child with severe genetic defects (we would) or if we would “selectively reduce” a multiple pregnancy (we wouldn’t, unless the health of the carrier were at risk).

Other than those decisions, I’m not sure what criteria the agency uses to make a match. I’m not sure if our religious backgrounds or personality traits were taken into consideration. We have “met” the carrier three times now, via a video call through Skype. She is quiet, but friendly. We decided to move forward with her after the first call. She seems to be a responsible and conscientious person, who will care for our child while it grows inside her. As I mentioned before, she passed numerous psychological tests and had an extensive interview with a social worker before she was eligible to be matched.

There’s just that one geographical issue. If we had decided to wait for a different carrier, closer to home, we could have extended our wait time by six months or more. Because she is so far away, we will probably only be able to visit her once during the pregnancy. If she has a quick labor, we may not be able to attend the birth.

We expressed our concerns to the agency. They said that this is a relatively close match for them. A slight majority of their clients are from foreign countries. Clearly it is a much more difficult thing for intended parents to make it from Paris to Denver than it will be for us to make it from Massachusetts to Tennessee. According to the agency, almost 80% of their intended parents are able to be there for the birth of their child, even given the distances involved.

How does this work? We were told that we need to trust the carrier and her knowledge of her body. That is a little imprecise for me, but what can I do. It’s just another part of this process that I have to admit is out of my control.